i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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