Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
