I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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