It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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