every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
