The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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