Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
