Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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