I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
