I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
