Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
