oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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