The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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