The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
