Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
