You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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