my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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