His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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