your parents love me but you hate me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
