watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
