did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
