If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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