i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
