dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
