We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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