Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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