Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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