i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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