id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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