So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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