It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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