Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
