I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
