just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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