the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
