dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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