Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You have to summon your inner elephant
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
