Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
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