too bad you live with your parents still
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
