Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize