Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
