she looked like the before picture.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
