speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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