It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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