Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
