new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
