she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
