Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
