I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
