I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
