If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
