I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
