Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
