Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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