Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
