I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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