A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
